My Masculinity Demonically Confronted


                                      By

                                 Phil Scovell


               Over the  last few years, we have begun  to hear a lot about
          human personal  identity.   This is almost  always in  context of
          sexual  identity.     It  wasn't  long  ago  when   we  used  the
          heterosexual  relationship as the standard and measured all other
          sexual relationships to  this standard.  Back in  those days, the
          only  deviation from this  standard, was homosexual  behavior and
          that was, and still is, a minority of the overall populous.  When
          this  became  a  challengeable   moral  concept,  however,  other
          categories began  to emerge.   Now we must consider  other sexual
          preferences   such    as   homosexuals,    lesbians,   bisexuals,
          transvestites,  transsexuals,  hermaphrodism,   nudity  (full  or
          partial), and those with gender identity conflicts.  I could have
          added pedophilia since this, too, is becoming debatable worldwide
          as acceptable sexual  behavior in some circles but  frankly, I am
          assuming those  reading this  personal testimony,  knows such  is
          moral and ethically,  not to mention spiritually, wrong.   If you
          happen to be  a pedophile reading  this, please continue  reading
          because there are answers here for you as well.

               My sexual identity conflict came  when I was about two years
          old.  I was  looking for my mother in the  house and being unable
          to locate her, I walked into the bedroom she and my father shared
          as my  parents.  There  was my  mom, standing  near her  dresser,
          stark naked.  I had never  seen a totally naked woman before  and
          it confused me.   By that I mean, I felt as if  I should not have
          been there and seen what  I saw.  In short, I was embarrassed but
          there was a definite sense of perplexity I felt.   Yes, I knew it
          was my mother and I  knew it wasn't exactly wrong, but  something
          did, in fact,  seem improper to me.   At that age, I  had no idea
          what it might  be.  My mother, being fairly immodest in the first
          place,  thought nothing  of it  and  continued dressing  as if  I
          wasn't even there.  My memory is limited to a single snap shot of
          this event and  in fact,  this memory  was lost  to my  conscious
          memory  until I was 50 years  old and sitting in an intercessor's
          office.

               I had found a counselor  who was an intercessor and believed
          the traditional  methods of  psychological therapy  were, at  the
          worst, ineffective, and at the least, temporary, when compared to
          the healing power of prayer through the Lord Jesus Christ and His
          eternal  Word.  Therefore, his counseling sessions were literally
          nothing more than focused intercessory  prayer and thus they were
          called prayer sessions.

               In one such  prayer session, the Lord took me to a number of
          memories where  healing was conducted.  No, I wasn't in a trance.
          No, I wasn't hypnotized.  No, I  wasn't meditating.  No, I wasn't
          mesmerized, drugged,  or engaged  in visualization  techniques; I
          was simply praying with another Christian brother in the Lord.

               In attempting to discover why I was having anxiety and panic
          attacks, as  well as  why I was  hearing voices, we  were praying
          about  the origin  of  these  problems and  during  one of  those
          prayers, I suddenly saw myself standing in my mother's bedroom in
          her condition of total nudity.  In  my mind's eye, I could see  a
          small boy standing there in confusion but nothing further came as
          far as understanding was concerned.   My mind immediately went to
          the possibility of  sexual abuse.   Yet I  had no such  feelings.
          Even  my prayer  partner wondered  if this  might be  a repressed
          memory of parental molestation.

               In a subsequent prayer session, we returned to this  picture
          that  seemed as if it were  a single frame taken  by my mind as a
          snap shot.   Still  nothing emerged  that offered  any additional
          insight.  I likely was the cause  for the blockage of information
          concerning  this memory  event because  I was  afraid I  had been
          molested.   My  mother had  been  my best  friend for  many years
          during the early days of my blindness.   To now try and think  of
          her as a pedophile was more than my mind could conceive.  In this
          particular prayer session,  we prayed and asked the  Lord if what
          He revealed to me would destroy the love and picture I had  of my
          mother in my  heart.  The answer was a definite and positive, no.
          I felt a measure of relief, yet we did  not return to this memory
          during this session.

               Another  week passed, and during another prayer session, the
          Lord  took me  to  a memory  event which  I would  have preferred
          remained buried forever.   I was an assistant  pastor in a church
          in western Colorado at the time.  The pastor resigned to  move to
          another mountain town to begin a new church.  He was recommending
          I take his place.  I was never so happy in my  whole life because
          my life's  dream was  coming true  and so  easily, too.   A  week
          later, however, I would be at the bottom of the darkness and most
          ominous black hole  I would ever see on  this earth.  I  had been
          refused the opportunity  to even try becoming the  pastor of this
          church  I loved so deeply.  Why?   They said it was because I was
          totally blind and a  blind man simply could not do the  work of a
          pastor.

               One of the elders, a man  about my age at the time, we  were
          both about 26 years young, drove me home following the meeting of
          the three elders who  refused to even let me try.   He apologized
          but tried to encourage me  that the Lord would open another  door
          for me.   I was speechless.   I felt devoid  of life.  I  felt as
          though I were an  empty shell of  a man riding  home in a  moving
          vehicle with absolutely no ability to talk or think.

               Somehow finding my way into our house, my wife met me at the
          door and  asked  how the  meeting  had  gone.   I told  her I  was
          rejected with  no room for even  a trial period  to prove myself.
          We  cried together throughout the entire night.   I wasn't at all
          for sure I wanted to live or even could any longer.  

               A couple of weeks later, my wife  was given the chance to go
          to  Nevada with our children  to visit her  sister.  I encouraged
          her to go and to get away.  I had lots to keep me busy, I assured
          her, and I  thought I did.  Somehow, the  loneliness amplified my
          feelings  of  hopelessness  while  my  wife  was  gone  and  dark
          depression set in.

               One night, the  emotional weight of rejection  scratched and
          clawed and tore at me with tremendous spiritual violence.   Other
          experiences of rejection, due to  my blindness, rolled in upon me
          and tried to  siphon what was left  of my life away.   Exhausting
          everything I  could think of to keep my  mind busy, I resorted to
          the  only  thing I  thought  was emotionally  powerful  enough to
          distract my  thoughts away  from the horrible  pain I felt.   The
          problem was, I  was totally alone.   I  had no wife  to share  my
          sorrows  and  the silence  of the  house was  nearly suffocating.
          Something  was stirring inside of me  but I could not identify it
          and  it frightened me.   I wanted  and needed a  form of release.
          Fear gripped me.  My future seemed  to melt away.  I would  never
          make  it  at  anything.   I  had  tried; I  had  tried  with more
          dedication than most.   Yet, I had  failed.  I was  nothing but a
          failure.    No  one  would  want  me  now.   There  was  nothing,
          absolutely nothing, left for me.

               "You are no  better than a  woman.  You  should have been  a
          woman."

               I heard no  voices but I felt those words in my thoughts.  I
          had no idea, at the time, where they came from.

               "You would have made a better woman than a man."

               Woodenly,  and with little  control over my  actions, sexual
          desire flooded my emotions.  I wanted release and relief as never
          before and yet I was totally alone.  It was  in the middle of the
          night.  There was no one to call and no one to  help me.  I was a
          failure anyway and no one wants to help a failure.

               I walked  to our  bedroom and finding  my wife's  clothes, I
          removed my  own and put all of  her clothes on.  This  was what I
          was, a  woman, because a woman would have never been treated this
          way.   My  sexual arousal  became  over powering.   I  eventually
          fulfilled   my  own  sexual  gratification.    Then  I  collapsed
          exhausted on the bed and cried the deepest I had ever cried in my
          life.  Something  was broken deep  down inside; I could  feel it.
          It would  never be  fixed.  I  would never  be the  same.  I  had
          killed my ministry and myself in the process.

               I lived for many years, 25 years to be exact, with the guilt
          of this on my conscience.  Of course, I  confessed it to the Lord
          and  I did so dozens and dozens  of times.  The guilt never left,
          however, even though Biblically  I knew I was forgiven by God for
          what I had  done.  Yes, the guilt was suppressed for long periods
          of  time  but  I  never forgot  it  because  the  pain  still was
          there;deep  and  buried  deep  within   me.    The  doubt  of  my
          masculinity haunted me like a ghost.

               I preached a few times  after this experience but never felt
          whole.   The Lord did a number of  other things for me over those
          next 25  years such as  fill me with  his Holy Spirit, gave  me a
          church to pastor for about a year,  and even allowed me to assist
          another man in his ministry  for several years.  Still,  I wasn't
          complete and I had a secret that no one but my wife new.  I would
          never amount to anything because of what I had done.

               When the panic attacks and anxiety episodes  began, When the
          demonic  voices  kept  me  awake  nights, and  when  I  found  it
          impossible to eat, I knew I  had to find someone who  understood.
          I figured I  would end up in a  psychiatrist's office, prescribed
          antidepressants and other  drugs, and I would be  half way normal
          for the rest  of my life.   I never thought  I would be whole  or
          free or happy  again.  I had failed.   Instead, God led  me to an
          intercessor who  understood  the  healing power  of  God  in  the
          woundedness of Christian's lives.

               In one of our prayer  sessions, the memory I have described,
          came up.  We  prayed over it and asked  the Lord to show me  what
          had happened  in the  memory event.   Instantly, my  mind flashed
          back  to seeing my mother  in the nude as a  tiny boy and knowing
          something was wrong.  My prayer partner tried asking questions to
          get me  to see  what else  was going on  in that  room.   We both
          thought I  had been molested  but the picture was  frozen in time
          and I  could sense nothing.   My prayer  partner asked if  I knew
          what the  little boy  in the memory  event was  thinking.   I saw
          myself in  that room, puzzlement  and confusion and a  measure of
          fear on my face.  So in my thoughts as I looked at myself as that
          little boy, I  said, "Phil, what are  you thinking?"  I  heard no
          voices but the clear understanding flashed into life in my brain.

               "You should have been a woman!"

               I suddenly was  aware it was an external  suggestion and not
          the voice of  the Lord.  I  then realized I had  been demonically
          influenced.   The second the realization flared into illumination
          in my  little 2 year  old mind, a  line was instantly  drawn from
          that event  to the  one which  occurred when  I was an  assistant
          pastor almost 25 years into the future.  The two events were tied
          together.  The  enemy had planted a simple little lie in the mind
          of a 2 year old and waited patiently for the right time to use it
          at a  very strategic moment  of time  in my life.   When  he did,
          through the experience of devastating rejection, my body and mind
          reacted.  The emotions of  that confusion and fear were triggered
          by a current event which was related to the one which happened as
          a small child and as an  adult, I was deceived by the  enemy into
          reacting.

               During our prayer time, the Lord spoke to me, showing me the
          connection between the  two events, and I  felt as if I  had been
          blown free  from a  tragic accident that  would have  disabled me
          forever.  The guilt of the second event evaporated so quickly, it
          was gone within two or three seconds and I was totally free.  Now
          I can return to  either of these events in my  thoughts and there
          is no pain and no guilt and fear and absolutely no confusion.

               This was  not an easy  story to write.    As I  said, for 25
          years, my wife was the only person on earth who was aware of this
          event in my life.   Later, my prayer  partner became the  second.
          The guilt of this  event was a heavy  weight to carry.  The  more
          time passed, the heavier it became.  This is, of course, a common
          attribute of  false guilt based upon lie  base thinking and I see
          it often in prayer sessions with others.

               If you were a pastor and some man came into your office with
          this type of personal story, I wonder what you would think?  What
          type of advice  and counsel might you give?  Would you allow such
          a man to serve on  your deacon board or council of elders?  Would
          you allow him  to preach in your  church.  Could he  teach Sunday
          school classes of any age in  your ministry?  Years ago, I  would
          have personally  thought, he  is a  spiritual wreck,  emotionally
          unbalanced, in serious need of medical attention of some kind for
          his disorder, and  most likely mentally  ill to some degree.   At
          the worst, he is probably a homosexual and at  the least, he is a
          transvestite.   I will  admit most of  these thoughts  crossed my
          mind, too, and  more than once, as  I tried to analyze  why I had
          behaved in such  a manner.   I knew I  wasn't a homosexual and  I
          knew  I wasn't a transvestite  but concerning everything else, it
          may  have been  true.  Shame,  guilt, and  fear all kept  me from
          telling a  living soul until I was 50  years old and in desperate
          need.  My heart was  to serve God but I thought I  was banded and
          barred from such service for ever.

               Since the memory  of when I was  2 years old had  never once
          surfaced in my memory until I was 50 years old and in prayer with
          an intercessor,  there is  no other logical  conclusion that  the
          Lord revealed it to  me.  Additionally, even a blind  man can see
          the connection between the two  events.  There are some important
          things to understand  about this, therefore, which I  feel led to
          emphasize.

               (1.)   No sin  was involved.   You may wish  to suggest that
          what I did when I was 26 years old by putting on women's  clothes
          was sin, and I would not disagree with  that statement.  However,
          when I was 2 years of age, absolutely no sin was committed.  This
          blows  the  spiritual  theory  which  many  Christians  cling  to
          tenaciously, and that  is, most believe it is  guilt generated by
          sin  committed  that  is  the   root  problem.    The   erroneous
          conclusion, therefore is,  confess the sin and the  guilt will be
          gone.  In  this situation, I had confessed my sin dozens of times
          but the guilt remained.  The case might be made that I simply did
          not believe but that  would be presumptuous because I knew, in my
          heart,  I was  sincere when I  confessed my  sin as a  grown man.
          Furthermore, I knew  I was, in fact,  forgiven by God.   Then why
          did the guilt remain?

               (2.)  The  thought implanted in my  little mind as a  2 year
          old was not of God because God created me and He would never have
          reversed what He had created in me.  I was literally too young to
          have  conceived  an  adverse  thought  on  my  own.    Logically,
          therefore, there is  only one conclusion and that  is the thought
          was implanted in my young mind by  the enemy to use against me at
          a later time.  Which, of course, he did and quite successfully.

               (3.)  The enemy used a child; an unsuspecting child; a child
          who did nothing  wrong and had  committed no sin at  that moment.
          In short, the enemy  doesn't care who you are or  what you are at
          the time.

               (4.)  The enemy was extremely patient.  He waited for nearly
          25 years  to complete his  diabolical plan, (I.E.   His implanted
          lie).  

               (5.)  The enemy use  current circumstances to confuse and to
          amplify and to create tremendous emotional pain.  At that precise
          moment of spiritual and emotional vulnerability, he triggered his
          fiery darts of deception.

               (6.)  The guilt  remained, following the confession  of sin,
          because in the original event, when I  was but 2 years old, a lie
          was planted.  Once the lie was exposed and the truth  of the Lord
          Jesus Christ revealed, the foothold  of the enemy was removed and
          the feeling of guilt left for ever.

          (7.)   The enemy created  a foothold in  the mind  of a child  in
          order  to use  it  later.   How could  this be  possible?   In my
          experience,  I have  learned  their  are  unclean  spirits  which
          sometimes inhabit a home.  A family moves in, and  whenever there
          is  conflict, sin, or any act of unholiness, they have license to
          function in the lives of those people living in that home.

               Additionally, it  is not at  all unlikely there  was demonic
          activity in  and around my  mother.  Her immodesty,  for example,
          could be an indication of other things in her life which had gone
          on before  in  her life  and gave  the enemy  license  to gain  a
          foothold in her life.  That influence, therefore, would have been
          present in her  life and being in  an area of innocence,  I could
          easily have  been influenced.   Finally, it is also  possible for
          demons to follow  people around who are wounded  and have demonic
          footholds in  their own lives.   When they  go to visit  friends,
          therefore,  that  influence is  not  only  there but  capable  of
          remaining  or,  at  the  very least,  influencing  others  in its
          presence.  Regardless of which it was,  the enemy was in the room
          and implanted  that thought in  my mind.   I didn't even  have to
          believe it for it to be used against me at a later time.

          (8.)  Once a foothold, a  small area of demonic functionality, is
          established, eventually a stronghold, a fortified protected area,
          is developed and used repeatedly against a child of God.

          Concluding Remarks

               As I said earlier, this story  was not easy for me to  tell.
          I  felt it  important  enough to  write in  detail in  order that
          others, trapped by demonic  lies, can realize  there is a way  of
          perfect maintenance free  victory available for every  born again
          Believer.  If a person is willing to be healed, the Lord is ready
          and willing.  If one is unable to identify the woundedness or the
          pain  alone, an intercessor,  who knows how to  pray to assist by
          locating the hidden lies of the enemy, should be utilized.


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