Once I Was Blind But Now I See
By Phil Scovell
A man had called and scheduled a time of prayer in my office for
the first time. When he had made the appointment, I had been in the
middle of doing something, I forget what just now, and I failed, not
only to ask for the man's phone number, but I never even gave him
instructions about where my office was. I normally tell people,
especially those coming to my office, about my website and if they are
on the internet, I recommend some reading of the testimonies on my
site before they come. I failed even to do that this time.
Something else I also do when people are coming to my office the
first time, and I am certain some blind people would strongly disagree
with this practice, but I inform the person coming to my office that I
am blind. Why, you may ask? Because, I figure it is only fair. I
still find people who have never met a blind person in their life and
I still find people who are uncomfortable praying with a blind person.
In fact, I have been told, by more than one person, I cannot do what I
do because you have to be able to see. Since I have friends who are
practicing psychologists who are blind, and since I am not even a
counselor but just pray with people as a pastor, I figure, even as a
blind person, I should be able to do what the Lord has called me to
do, regardless of what others think or feel. I still consider it to
be honest to inform the person coming to my office that I am blind
just in case they personally prefer not to come to a blind person for
ministry. I failed to do this recently with the man coming to my
office for the first time.
A couple of hours before he arrived, I was thinking about all of
this and praying for him often throughout the day. What I was really
doing is praying, that is, exchanging my thoughts with God, but I
realize some have no idea what I am talking about so that is why I
said I was thinking about all of this before the man came. I thought,
"What if he doesn't want a blind person to pray with him, it making
him so uncomfortable, he prefers to leave?" When this thought crossed
my mind, I heard myself, inside, laugh. My answer? "So what." For
the first time in my life, I realized something was different inside
and I didn't care if I was blind. Something had spiritually changed.
I cannot explain this feeling because, frankly, I never knew it
existed to tell the truth, so this new thought was a big surprise to
me. Yet, I laughed about it and that was even more surprising.
Does this mean, therefore, I was hyper sensitive about being
blind? Not that I know of, no. Does it mean I must have felt shame
of some type concerning being blind? No, I know it doesn't mean that.
Does it mean, I was sad, mad, angry, upset, frustrated, depressed,
disappointed, discouraged, annoyed, broken, freaked out, miserable,
unbalanced, maladjusted, or any other negative emotional psycho
dynamics you want to identify? Maybe all of the above but I know I
rarely ever thought about being blind. So what's the difference now?
Something changed and the question in my mind was not mine. Perhaps I
should explain what I just said.
When I say, I exchange my thoughts with God, that means I am
praying. When I say, I am exchanging my thoughts for God's, that
means I am taking ever thought captive and letting the Lord's thoughts
become mine. That is called faith. Well, that's what I call it. Let
me identify what I think really was going on.
I believe the Enemy uses anything, and everything, he can to try
and keep us from developing a personal relationship with the True Lord
Jesus Christ. Blindness, and all of the ramifications that go along
with it, is just one thing the Enemy can use. I could probably name
at least 100 other things he uses but I'll let you do the math. You
can start with divorce, sexual abuse, homosexuality, pedophilia,
gossip, lying, immorality, emotional traumatization of any sort,
victimization of any sort, grief from the loss of a loved one, and
there are ten right off the bat. I felt as if I failed God once
because the church I pastored folded. You don't think the Enemy used
that one against me? It took me three years of lost works to recover
from that one and another 10 years before the truth came and set me
free. May I point out, how I felt wasn't sin and I had done nothing
wrong? Yes, the Enemy even uses things that aren't sin to entrap a
person. He never plays fair; not ever.
By now, I think you already are beginning to think about what I
am saying and, most likely, beginning to identify other areas of your
own life which can be used against you for the same reasons. If such
is the case, it isn't me, it is the Holy Spirit ministering to you
because He, the Holy Spirit, wants to bring us closer, much closer, to
Jesus. Sometimes we are not able to reach a conclusion on our own.
This is where accountability comes in as one of the most valuable
tools of relationship available to the Body of Christ. Unfortunately,
such accountability is rarely available in most churches. I am,
though, available, on the other hand.
Let me also expand my feelings about the change which was made
aware to me by the Holy Spirit. The next day, when I was thinking and
meditating on what I had learned, I tried to describe the actual
emotional feeling I had at that moment of awareness. When it came, it
almost knocked me over because it was that physical in nature. The
feeling I had of "So what," was the actual feeling as if I were not
blind in the first place. I know that sounds ridiculously weird but
it was the identifiable emotion at that very moment. I literally,
felt as if I were suddenly not blind at all. What does all this mean?
I have a pretty good idea but most people reading this wouldn't
believe it even if I explained it. So, instead, let's just let God be
God. He's the only one who knows the truth anyhow.
Now, if you are blind and reading this, your personal feelings
probably are telling you, "But I've adjusted to my blindness." Me,
too. Sure, I had thoughts over the passed 41 years of blindness that
a lot of things could be much simpler if I weren't blind. If you can
show me a blind person who hasn't had such thoughts, please put me in
touch with them because I would like to personally meet them. At any
rate, I had been to the rehabilitation organizations and the school
for the blind so I had been programed to think unblind just like
everyone else who is blind. So, in short, I've been happy throughout
the last 40 years plus of my life. Even after fifteen eye surgeries.
My point is, however, being adjusted is not being free. It is
somewhat like the sinner. He may live a Godly life, or attempt to, by
going to church, reading the bible, praying to the God of creation,
even worshiping Him, but it does not mean he has ever been born again.
In fact, he may live all those good things just to attempt to prove to
himself that he is God worthy. It isn't his worthiness that counts;
it is the worthiness of the True Lord Jesus Christ that makes the
difference. If one embraces this, according to Scripture, and calls
upon the name of the Lord to be save, he is set free from works and
the destruction of sin. In my testimony I am attempting to explain,
the same is true, that is, the truth sets us free as born again
believers. In short, the person living a Godly life without being
born again might feel spiritually adjusted but he isn't free of
destruction and eternal damnation.
If you are not free and have no one with which to pray, call me.
Safe Place Fellowship
Denver, Colorado USA
Mountain Time Zone
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