The Cost Of Grief
By Phil Scovell
both my parents are with the Lord. I have, since I was just 11
years of age, experienced a lot of grief and loss. I didn't recognize
it for what it was for literally decades. My father died when I was
11 years old. when mom passed away in late 2002 at 80 years of age, I
was 50 years old. Of course I felt sadness. Yes, I cried, and often.
I missed her deeply and sorrow was painful. These emotions are
normal, up to a point, and for a reasonable amount of time, but if
such feelings are abnormally prolonged, or become debilitating, there
are other problems which need to be addressed.
Recently I was proofreading a new chapter I was adding to my book
called "The Deceitfulness Of Sin." I was using my own personal
experiences concerning the death of my mother and father to address
the subject of grief. Mom's death I expected for several years due to
strokes. It was finally a stroke that took her life. Somehow, it
seemed as if I had said my goodbyes to her many years before. To say
her death was easier on me, however, wouldn't be the way I felt,
actually, but after all, I was 50 years old at the time and able to
reason a lot better than when I was a child. When it came to my
father, on the other hand, I felt for decades that I had been robbed
of him because he died unexpectedly. Plus, I never got to see him
before he died nor did I get to say goodbye to him.
Through intercessory prayer, I have experienced a great deal of
healing related to my dad, his death, and other emotional problems
which passed on to me. I never knew about these things, of course,
growing up. Through prayer, my goodbyes had been said and other very
dramatic experiences, spiritually speaking, have occurred in recent
years which have afforded a miraculous amount of emotional healing.
As I have mentioned, I was recently proofreading a new chapter on
grief. I was focused on the part of the story when I came home from
school, found a house full of people I knew, and my mom told me that
dad had died that day. If you have ever lost a parent as a child, or
had a miscarriage, or lost a young child, you know what it was like.
If you haven't, there are no words to describe the emotional trauma
that slammed into my body and mind at that moment in time.
As I read, through proofreading my book, about this most
emotionally devastating time of my life, suddenly all those emotions
seemed to rush in upon me again. Seated at my work desk in my office
and reading the words on the screen with the aid of my voice
synthesizer, I felt slammed backward in time with tremendous force. I
instantly felt as if a two inch hole in the center of my chest opened
up. It was like a large gun had been placed against my chest and
someone was beginning to squeeze the trigger to blow me away. It was
literally a physical sensation. I heard the words form in my mind and
I think I said them out loud. "Dad, why did you leave me?" Tears
instantly formed in the corners of my eyes and burned like fire. My
present relationship with the Lord afforded me an instant reaction.
My mind kicked into high gear and conducted what I call a Search And
Destroy mission or a SAD for short. This means that I attempt,
through prayer and feelings in my thoughts, to search for the cause,
in order to discover the root. This is not considered to be a mental
exercise. It is an automatic response to anything that might be
trying to throw me off spiritual balance. Instantly, I heard myself
saying in my thoughts, "That's not what Jesus told me about my dad."
My mind flashed so rapidly to various points of truth I had learned
from the Lord concerning my dad, I couldn't even keep up with the
memories. I at once recognized the spiritual truth the Lord was
speaking to me about what was occurring and that I was being lied to
by the Enemy. The feelings were present in full force, the thoughts
were there, the tears were real, and the grief was almost overbearing.
I literally felt 11 years old for a split second as the feelings
detonated within my emotions. Curiously, the moment I realized what I
was feeling and experiencing at that very instant of memory time, and
confessed it was totally contrary to what Jesus had revealed in times
past, the feelings and the tears, and the question why my dad left me
suddenly vanished. I nearly laughed out loud. I recognized the trick
of the Enemy. He had used a devilish lie, literal physical
impressions, my very own emotions, and real tears, to execute an
attempt to regain a foothold related to a previously healed area by
the Lord. I was shocked, momentarily, at the realization of the power
of his deceptiveness. Plus, I almost fell for it. Thank God, the
truth of the True Lord Jesus Christ shattered, splintered, and totally
blew away the Enemy's attempts of evil perpetrated against me.
this leads me to some very important points. As I have said in
other testimonies, I was taught in Bible college, and by a very
prominent professor, "If you leave Satan alone, he will leave you
alone." I have learned the hard way, this is probably one of Satan's
most devastating and deceptive lies. Additionally, the Enemy will
even use emotions and feelings to attempt deceptively to move against
God's people. Unfortunately, many Christians simply do not believe
this is possible. I didn't either. Since I have experienced it
dozens of times, I now know better and thank God for His truth spoken
through the written word of God and the living Words of Christ.
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