The Cost Of Grief

                               By Phil Scovell

          both my parents are with the Lord.   I have, since I was just  11
     years of age, experienced a lot of grief and loss.  I didn't recognize
     it  for what it was for literally decades.   My father died when I was
     11 years old.  when mom passed away in late 2002 at 80 years of age, I
     was 50 years old.  Of course I felt sadness.  Yes, I cried, and often.
     I  missed  her deeply  and  sorrow was  painful.   These  emotions are
     normal, up  to a point,  and for a reasonable  amount of time,  but if
     such  feelings are abnormally prolonged, or become debilitating, there
     are other problems which need to be addressed.

          Recently I was proofreading a new chapter I was adding to my book
     called "The  Deceitfulness  Of Sin."    I was  using  my own  personal
     experiences concerning  the death of  my mother and father  to address
     the subject of grief.  Mom's death I expected for several years due to
     strokes.   It was finally  a stroke that took  her life.   Somehow, it
     seemed as if I had said my goodbyes to her many years  before.  To say
     her death  was easier  on me,  however, wouldn't  be the  way I  felt,
     actually, but after all,  I was 50 years  old at the time and  able to
     reason  a lot  better than when  I was  a child.   When it  came to my
     father, on the other  hand, I felt for decades that  I had been robbed
     of him because  he died unexpectedly.   Plus, I  never got to see  him
     before he died nor did I get to say goodbye to him.

          Through intercessory prayer, I have  experienced a great deal  of
     healing related  to my  dad, his death,  and other  emotional problems
     which  passed on to me.   I never knew about  these things, of course,
     growing up.  Through prayer, my goodbyes had been said and  other very
     dramatic experiences,  spiritually speaking,  have occurred  in recent
     years which have afforded a miraculous amount of emotional healing.

          As I have mentioned, I was recently proofreading a new chapter on
     grief.  I was focused on  the part of the story when I  came home from
     school, found  a house full of people I knew,  and my mom told me that
     dad had died that day.   If you have ever lost a parent as a child, or
     had a miscarriage, or lost a  young child, you know what it was  like.
     If you haven't, there  are no words to  describe the emotional  trauma
     that slammed into my body and mind at that moment in time.

          As  I  read,  through  proofreading  my  book,  about  this  most
     emotionally  devastating time of my  life, suddenly all those emotions
     seemed to  rush in upon me again.  Seated at my work desk in my office
     and  reading  the words  on  the  screen  with  the aid  of  my  voice
     synthesizer, I felt slammed backward in time with tremendous force.  I
     instantly felt as if a two inch hole in the center of my chest  opened
     up.   It was  like a large  gun had been  placed against  my chest and
     someone was beginning to squeeze the trigger to blow  me away.  It was
     literally a physical sensation.  I heard the words form in my mind and
     I think  I said them out  loud.  "Dad, why  did you leave me?"   Tears
     instantly  formed in the corners of my eyes  and burned like fire.  My
     present relationship  with the Lord  afforded me an  instant reaction.
     My mind kicked into high  gear and conducted what I call  a Search And
     Destroy  mission  or a  SAD for  short.   This  means that  I attempt,
     through prayer and feelings  in my thoughts, to search for  the cause,
     in order to discover the root.   This is not considered to be a mental
     exercise.   It  is an  automatic  response to  anything that  might be
     trying to throw me off  spiritual balance.  Instantly, I  heard myself
     saying in  my thoughts, "That's not what Jesus  told me about my dad."
     My mind flashed  so rapidly to various  points of truth I  had learned
     from  the Lord  concerning my dad,  I couldn't  even keep up  with the
     memories.   I at  once  recognized the  spiritual truth  the Lord  was
     speaking to me about  what was occurring and that I  was being lied to
     by the Enemy.  The feelings  were present in full force, the  thoughts
     were there, the tears were real, and the grief was almost overbearing.
     I literally  felt 11  years old  for a  split second  as the  feelings
     detonated within my emotions.  Curiously, the moment I realized what I
     was feeling and experiencing at that very instant of memory time,  and
     confessed it  was totally contrary to what Jesus had revealed in times
     past, the  feelings and the tears, and the question why my dad left me
     suddenly vanished.  I nearly laughed out loud.  I recognized the trick
     of  the  Enemy.    He  had  used  a  devilish  lie,  literal  physical
     impressions,  my very  own emotions,  and  real tears,  to execute  an
     attempt  to regain a foothold  related to a  previously healed area by
     the Lord.  I was shocked, momentarily, at the realization of the power
     of his  deceptiveness.  Plus,  I almost fell for  it.  Thank  God, the
     truth of the True Lord Jesus Christ shattered, splintered, and totally
     blew away the Enemy's attempts of evil perpetrated against me.

          this leads me  to some very important points.  As  I have said in
     other  testimonies,  I was  taught in  Bible  college, and  by  a very
     prominent  professor, "If  you leave  Satan alone,  he will  leave you
     alone."   I have learned the hard way, this is probably one of Satan's
     most devastating and  deceptive lies.   Additionally,  the Enemy  will
     even use emotions and feelings  to attempt deceptively to move against
     God's  people.  Unfortunately,  many Christians simply  do not believe
     this is  possible.   I didn't  either.   Since I  have experienced  it
     dozens  of times, I now know better and thank God for His truth spoken
     through the written word of God and the living Words of Christ.

     Safe Place Fellowship
     Phil Scovell
     Denver, Colorado
     Mountain Time Zone
                               End Of Document

     Safe Place Fellowship
     Phil Scovell
     Denver, Colorado - Mountain Time Zone
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