COPYRIGHT CDP September 2003


                      Carol  - All Rights Reserved

               What  do  you  do  when  you  feel  so   burdened  following
          bereavement that you scarcely can function any more?  Who can you
          trust to help?  Who  will help?  Who CAN!  Is  God really wanting
          and able to  take these and many more hurts and replace them with
          a deep knowledge of Himself, His love and His presence?

               Earlier  this year  I knew  that I  was suffering  the final
          bereavement after my father died,  but I was also carrying around
          many many scars from the times when  I felt total separation from
          him.   Numerous  times  he took  me  back  to nursery  and  other
          boarding schools from the age of two and a half and left me there
          for weeks  on end.   In the later  years of his life,  there were
          times we were separated because his friends really didn't want me
          around and, living at a distance, I saw very little of him.

               I became a  Christian in the  Summer of 1965 and  have known
          the  love of  God and  His  ability to  keep me  despite  my many
          downfalls.  I have  learned to lean on Him in  lots of situations
          and He, in turn, has chosen to  use me for the blessing of others
          regardless of my  woundedness and shortcomings.  After  the death
          of my  father, I  wasn't going  to "give  in"!  I  was even  more
          determined to go all the way and let Him do with me exactly as He

               I have known Phil, via email and a mailing list, for several
          years,  but we had  never met  together as  we live  thousands of
          miles apart.  I began to "open up" in my emails to  him as he had
          shared with  me the goodness of God in healing  him.  We began to
          pray together over the telephone - the line stretched between the
          UK, across the Atlantic  and over to Denver - and  all calls have
          cost me  less than 50 pounds, which have been well worth it.  God
          moved sovereignly as we sat back and watched and it was exciting.

               These were  no ordinary  counselling sessions.    I was  not
          looking for  counselling;   I wanted  God more  and more and  His
          healing touch upon  many different aspects of my life.   I didn't
          want  Phil to speak words  from the Lord to  me, I wanted to hear
          Him for myself.  The process has been simple:  We have just asked
          Him to heal those wounds, and He  has worked.  One after another,
          as He took me  to those things in the past  which had just served
          to hurt  and to  cripple me,  He has  spoken words  of truth  and
          comfort to my heart.

               There were many lies that  I had believed about myself since
          I was very small and Satan and  his demonic helpers have loved to
          work on these  implanted lies. As the Lord  Jesus Himself brought
          these  lies into my  conscious thinking and showed  me what I had
          believed, I  was able  to acknowledge the  "lies" and  then Jesus
          Himself showed me truth.  The darkness began to go  and the light
          began to shine ever brighter.  He gave me precious pictures which
          served to show me all the more just how much He loved  me and how
          He  had  been  right  there   with  me  through  all  my  painful

               Once the lies  were gone, so were  the taunts of Satan.   He
          and his demons had  nothing more to build  upon because they  can
          only  stay  if we  have lies  in  our lives.  They did  not fight
          because they were under the  authority of the Lord Jesus and  had
          to obey  Him.  I no longer feel  an uncontrollable desire to kill
          myself  or harm  myself with  knives and I  am free  from ungodly
          (unhealthy) ties which had their route in Freemasonry in which my
          ancestors were involved.

               For me this has been a process of bringing my mind much more
          into line with  my new heart (where  Jesus dwells).  This  is the
          process which is referred to in the  Bible as the "renewal of the
          mind".  Romans 12 instructs that we  do this.  If we do not allow
          Him to work in us and do this, it is impossible for us to be free
          of our past and move into the total freedom that He has for us in
          the present.

               Before we had prayer sessions together, I was not able to do
          as the Bible instructed and "Take every thought captive", because
          there were  some wounds which were just too  painful for me to go
          to by myself.   I needed the  agreement in prayer and  support of
          another fellow believer.  That is a very important aspect of  the
          Christian life to  me.  I have found God's Word  to be true, that
          if we agree together  in prayer on anything, it will  be done for
          us.  (See Matthew 18:19.)

               In the Gospel of John, we read  that we (you) shall know the
          truth  (this describes the Lord Jesus Himself as He is the truth)
          and  that the truth  will set us  free.   You will be,  no doubt,
          asking me  about those things from  which Jesus has set  me free?
          It  is  not possible  for me  to recall  everything but  the list
          includes freedom from the deep pain of  bereavement and rejection
          which had occurred  at my  birth and  then time and  again in  my
          life.  I  had many lie based  scars, where I had taken  the blame
          for that which I did  not do and for which I  was not responsible
          as a child.   I  have been able  to recall  and look with  Jesus'
          compassion on a  number of men who sexually abused me as a child,
          understanding that  they too had very wounded  lives.  Some of my
          past memories caused me to be very afraid, whilst others (such as
          bullying in school over a long period) left me feeling inadequate
          and "no good".   That is not  how the Lord sees me  and, now, not
          how I see  myself either.   In addition,  my family went  through
          traumas together, including the death of my youngest brother when
          he was seventeen.  This experience caused us to become fragmented
          and wrapped up in our own personal  grief which we were unable to
          expel.   In turn, this  resulted in  our continuing to  hurt each
          other.   We became  one of those  "dysfunctional families".   The
          Lord  Jesus has  now given me  understanding of  this and  a deep
          compassion for my  brother and sister who do not yet know Him.  I
          know what He  meant now, in a  greater measure than  ever before,
          when  He  said, as  He lay  on  that cross  taking our  sins upon
          Himself: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"!

               I had often wondered why, so often, I would have a  tendency
          to day dream,  then I would also  find it difficult to  direct my
          mind quickly and easily between the various happenings which were
          going on around me.  Again, so often I found that, however much I
          tried, the Word of God would just be snatched  from my mind and I
          would be unable to  recall what He had spoken to me  just a short
          time before.  These  things worried me a lot.   Were they normal?
          I would wonder, did other people have these problems?

               Some  time  ago I  read about  a condition  which psychology
          calls "Dissociative  Identity Disorder" (DID);   (it  used to  be
          known as  Multiple Personality  Disorder).  Some  of my  symptoms
          seemed to fit this condition.  I was afraid to find out at first;
          but one day, as  I was receiving healing  from the Lord,  various
          personalities - a part of my personality and not Satan's demons -
          made themselves  known to  us, some explaining  what they  did to
          keep me  safe from  harm and  pain.   They had  taken on  various
          defensive mechanisms  in my mind,  shielding it from some  of the
          traumatic pain which  was thrown  at me  when I was  a child  and
          enabling  me to  keep  things hidden  and  compartmentalized.   I
          believe  it  is   true  that,  if  I  had   not  developed  these
          personalities, I may well have ended up in an institution for the
          mentally ill.  If  God had not been so good to  me and allowed me
          these coping  mechanisms,  I do  believe  I would  have  suffered
          further pain which  those who live in mental  institutions may be
          shielded from, but only usually by  taking more and more drugs to
          mask that pain.  Jesus Christ loves us all and offers  us healing
          as we come to  Him with our broken and shattered  lives, with all
          their hurts and pain.

               Have I  arrived in  some "higher  place" having  experienced
          this healing?  Well, I know more of His love and peace and joy in
          my life, but there is still more  to do. Are there more wounds to
          be  healed?   Yes,  definitely, but  now  I am  able to  face the
          remainder with  Jesus and have  already had healing  touches from
          Him when praying alone.  Will I ever find total release from hurt
          and  pain, sickness  and  the lies  that I  still  have to  "take
          captive?"  Yes, on that  day when I stand before Him, His work in
          me will be complete and I will know Him, even as I am fully known
          by Him,  and I'll  give Him  all of  the  glory for  what He  has
          accomplished in  my life.   Until then, I  am content to  let Him
          continue to work in me and heal and restore me in whatever way He
          chooses.  I am  nobody special, just one of us all for whom Jesus
          died.  I'm just  one of many who have chosen to  say "Yes" to His
          call  on my life to accept His  death on the cross as the payment
          for my sin and continue to give Him all of myself, as a love-gift
          to Him, to be used as He pleases.

               If this  testimony blesses you,  or you too want  someone to
          pray together  with you,  contact Safe  Place Fellowship  and you
          will find there a "safe place" in which to share your burdens and

                            End Of Document