© Copyright 2007 by Phil Scovell - All Rights Reserved
50 PRAYING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC By Carol Pearson What do you do when you feel so burdened following bereavement that you scarcely can function any more? Who can you trust to help? Who will help? Who CAN! Is God really wanting and able to take these and many more hurts and replace them with a deep knowledge of Himself, His love and His presence? Earlier this year I knew that I was suffering the final bereavement after my father died, but I was also carrying around many many scars from the times when I felt total separation from him. Numerous times he took me back to nursery and other boarding schools from the age of two and a half and left me there for weeks on end. In the later years of his life, there were times we were separated because his friends really didn't want me around and, living at a distance, I saw very little of him. I became a Christian in the Summer of 1965 and have known the love of God and His ability to keep me despite my many downfalls. I have learned to lean on Him in lots of situations and He, in turn, has chosen to use me for the blessing of others regardless of my woundedness and shortcomings. After the death of my father, I wasn't going to "Give in!" I was even more determined to go all the way and let Him do with me exactly as He pleased! I have known Phil, via email and a mailing list, for several years, but we had never met together as we live thousands of miles apart. I began to "open up" in my emails to him as he had shared with me the goodness of God in healing him. We began to pray together over the telephone - the line stretched between the UK, across the Atlantic and over to Denver - and all calls have cost me less than 50 pounds, which have been well worth it. God moved sovereignly as we sat back and watched and it was exciting. These were no ordinary counselling sessions. I was not looking for counselling; I wanted God more and more and His healing touch upon many different aspects of my life. I didn't want Phil to speak words from the Lord to me, I wanted to hear Him for myself. The process has been simple: We have just asked Him to heal those wounds, and He has worked. One after another, as He took me to those things in the past which had just served to hurt and to cripple me, He has spoken words of truth and comfort to my heart. There were many lies that I had believed about myself since I was very small and Satan and his demonic helpers have loved to work on these implanted lies. As the Lord Jesus Himself brought these lies into my conscious thinking and showed me what I had believed, I was able to acknowledge the "lies" and then Jesus Himself showed me truth. The darkness began to go and the light began to shine ever brighter. He gave me precious pictures which served to show me all the more just how much He loved me and how He had been right there with me through all my painful experiences. Once the lies were gone, so were the taunts of Satan. He and his demons had nothing more to build upon because they can only stay if we have lies in our lives. They did not fight because they were under the authority of the Lord Jesus and had to obey Him. I no longer feel an uncontrollable desire to kill myself or harm myself with knives and I am free from ungodly (unhealthy) ties which had their route in Freemasonry in which my ancestors were involved. For me this has been a process of bringing my mind much more into line with my new heart (where Jesus dwells). This is the process which is referred to in the Bible as the "renewal of the mind." Romans 12 instructs that we do this. If we do not allow Him to work in us and do this, it is impossible for us to be free of our past and move into the total freedom that He has for us in the present. Before we had prayer sessions together, I was not able to do as the Bible instructed and "Take every thought captive," because there were some wounds which were just too painful for me to go to by myself. I needed the agreement in prayer and support of another fellow believer. That is a very important aspect of the Christian life to me. I have found God's Word to be true, that if we agree together in prayer on anything, it will be done for us. (See Matthew 18:19). In the Gospel of John, we read that we (you) shall know the truth (this describes the Lord Jesus Himself as He is the truth) and that the truth will set us free. You will be, no doubt, asking me about those things from which Jesus has set me free? It is not possible for me to recall everything but the list includes freedom from the deep pain of bereavement and rejection which had occurred at my birth and then time and again in my life. I had many lie based scars, where I had taken the blame for that which I did not do and for which I was not responsible as a child. I have been able to recall and look with Jesus' compassion on a number of men who sexually abused me as a child, understanding that they too had very wounded lives. Some of my past memories caused me to be very afraid, whilst others (such as bullying in school over a long period) left me feeling inadequate and "no good". That is not how the Lord sees me and, now, not how I see myself either. In addition, my family went through traumas together, including the death of my youngest brother when he was seventeen. This experience caused us to become fragmented and wrapped up in our own personal grief which we were unable to expel. In turn, this resulted in our continuing to hurt each other. We became one of those "dysfunctional families". The Lord Jesus has now given me understanding of this and a deep compassion for my brother and sister who do not yet know Him. I know what He meant now, in a greater measure than ever before, when He said, as He lay on that cross taking our sins upon Himself: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" I had often wondered why, so often, I would have a tendency to day dream, then I would also find it difficult to direct my mind quickly and easily between the various happenings which were going on around me. Again, so often I found that, however much I tried, the Word of God would just be snatched from my mind and I would be unable to recall what He had spoken to me just a short time before. These things worried me a lot. Were they normal? I would wonder, did other people have these problems? Some time ago I read about a condition which psychology calls "Dissociative Identity Disorder" (DID;) (it used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Some of my symptoms seemed to fit this condition. I was afraid to find out at first; but one day, as I was receiving healing from the Lord, various personalities - a part of my personality and Satan's demons ' made themselves known to us, some explaining what they did to keep me safe from harm and pain. They had taken on various defensive mechanisms in my mind, shielding it from some of the traumatic pain which was thrown at me when I was a child and enabling me to keep things hidden and compartmentalized. I believe it is true that, if I had not developed these personalities, I may well have ended up in an institution for the mentally ill. If God had not been so good to me and allowed me these coping mechanisms, I do believe I would have suffered further pain which those who live in mental institutions may be shielded from, but only usually by taking more and more drugs to mask that pain. Jesus Christ loves us all and offers us healing as we come to Him with our broken and shattered lives, with all their hurts and pain. Have I arrived in some "higher place" having experienced this healing? Well, I know more of His love and peace and joy in my life, but there is still more to do. Are there more wounds to be healed? Yes, definitely, but now I am able to face the remainder with Jesus and have already had healing touches from Him when praying alone. Will I ever find total release from hurt and pain, sickness and the lies that I still have to "take captive?" Yes, on that day when I stand before Him, His work in me will be complete and I will know Him, even as I am fully known by Him, and I'll give Him all of the glory for what He has accomplished in my life. Until then, I am content to let Him continue to work in me and heal and restore me in whatever way He chooses. I am nobody special, just one of us all for whom Jesus died. I'm just one of many who have chosen to say "Yes" to His call on my life to accept His death on the cross as the payment for my sin and continue to give Him all of myself, as a love-gift to Him, to be used as He pleases. If this testimony blesses you, or you too want someone to pray together with you, contact Safe Place Fellowship and you will find there a "safe place" in which to share your burdens and pain!