35

                             Why Am I Afraid Of People?


                              By Phil Scovell






          "What's on your mind to pray about today?" I said to Carla as our
     prayer session began.
          "I  still  feel a  little bit  of  fear from  time to  time," she
     replied, "but something that is really bothering me  right now, that I
     just don't seem to  be able to figure out, is my  feelings about being
     around other people.   I am often fearful," she  continued to explain,
     "that someone is going to judge me or say something about me that will
     hurt my feelings."
          I  knew  this  feeling  quite  well,  of  course,  from  personal
     experience.   I had  been healed in  many different  areas where  this
     feeling had infected my life.  This type of fear, and it is fear based
     without a doubt, includes  the fear of not  being accepted, not  being
     good enough, and is easily seen in perfectionists.  This woman, by the
     way, is a perfectionist and has been  all her life, she confessed more
     than once, so I was pretty certain where we might end up as we prayed.
          Within  seconds of  opening  in  prayer, Carla  said,  "I see  my
     kindergarten teacher's face just all of the sudden."
          I prayed  more and Carla  reported she just saw  herself in class
     but  nothing  else came  to mind.    I prayed  a  little more  but she
     reported  the same  and said,  "I don't  feel  anything wrong  in this
     memory."    Since  this  apparently  was  a  theme  Carla  experienced
     throughout her  life, I  knew there  would be  other places  this pain
     would be surfacing so I  prayed for further expansion of her  memories
     by the Holy Spirit.
          Suddenly,  Carla said,  "I'm on  the playground.   The  girls are
     playing jump rope.  They were  taking turns stepping into the swinging
     ropes at just the right time and taking over as the other girl just as
     quickly stepped  out."  She  continued by saying,  "I had  never tried
     this  before but wanted to and so I  did but I messed up and the roped
     stopped twirling.   My kindergarten  teacher, standing near  by, spoke
     harshly to me  and told me I didn't  know what I was doing  and to get
     out of their way.   This really hurt me,"  Carla reported.  "Over  the
     years," she  said, "I have  thought about this experience  hundreds of
     times and have always wondered why she was  so mean about it.  I was a
     very shy  person when  I was  little and  what  she said,  and how  my
     teacher spoke to me, really hurt my feelings."
          Praying, I asked  the Lord  to show  her His truth  and the  Holy
     Spirit  spoke to her  in her  thoughts and said  for her not  to worry
     about this any more  because He was there when it happened and she did
     absolutely nothing wrong.   "Furthermore," the Lord  instructed, "your
     teacher was in the wrong and had problems of her own."
          I run across this type of woundedness in nearly every person with
     whom I pray;  including myself.  I told Carla this same thing happened
     to me when  I was about 10 years  of age.  We had  sort of an antiques
     day.  Students were  to bring old and unusual  things to school to  be
     placed on  a display table.  All sorts  of neat things were brought to
     the classroom  that week.   The teacher made  a big deal about  the no
     touching rule.   She wanted  no one  to touch a  single thing  for any
     reason.
          One day I was the only student in our classroom for a few minutes
     after lunch.  You guessed it.  I picked something up off  the table to
     get a better look at it and immediately felt convicted.
          The next day, I sat in my seat during class and  debated over and
     over again what I should do.  Finally, my Christian upbringing got the
     best of me and I slowly got out of my seat and walked to the teacher's
     desk.   This  was  my favorite  teacher  of all  my elementary  school
     teachers.   I quietly explained to her that  I had broken the rule and
     had picked  up one of the items.  Instead of saying, "Well, Philip.  I
     appreciate your honesty and  since nothing was damaged, we will let it
     go this time.  Just remember not to touch anything again and thank you
     for  being truthful,"   just the opposite  happened.   Her face turned
     angry and her voice sharp.  She said, "You know the rules.  You should
     never have done that.  Furthermore, you should have never told  me you
     did it in the first place."  I was heart broken.   My favorite teacher
     not only reprimanded me for telling her  the truth but busted me as if
     I were  a common criminal.  I  quickly and quietly hurried  back to my
     seat and  more confused than  ever about her  statement that  I should
     have never  told her in the first place.  I had no idea what she meant
     and was heart broken.
          The very  weak I prayed  with Carla about her  similar experience
     with her teacher, my own  childhood memory had come to my mind.   When
     it did surface in  my thoughts, however, it didn't hurt  but it didn't
     feel right either.  I prayed and said, "Lord?   Why is this memory now
     coming to the surface after all these years?  I know what happened but
     why did you bring this to my mind?"
          The Lord  clearly said, "Because  I just wanted you  to know that
     you did  the right thing by telling  your teacher.  She  was wrong and
     you were right."
          Instantly I was set free  from a childhood memory which contained
     the penetrating pain of rejection and confusion about honesty.
          Both  these  childhood  experiences were  carried  throughout our
     entire adult lives.  We knew, whenever the memories came to mind, they
     hurt but we didn't know why until the Lord spoke His truth.  How could
     these  harmless incidents  have  caused  any problems?    The lack  of
     acceptance,  the   element  of  harsh  unanticipated   rejection,  the
     confusion of a child,  the lack of concern on the part of the teacher,
     all created a place  for woundedness.  In Carla's case,  this became a
     theme that repeated itself hundreds of times throughout her life until
     she  decided, at  a  very early  age,  if  she was  ever  going to  be
     accepted, she would have to be perfect in all that she did and so  she
     was.  In  her heart, however, she knew that this was impossible so she
     had never measured up to the expectation of others.
          I often have people schedule prayer sessions who tell me, once we
     get together, that they really don't have any bad experiences.  I well
     remember the first time I sat down  to pray with a man in his  office.
     I began  by telling him  I came from  a wonderful Christian  home with
     wonderful Christian  values and  that I was  a happy  child.   Thus, I
     didn't have anything wrong  back in my childhood.  After  a few prayer
     sessions, I found out just how wrong I was.
          When  Carla told me she  was always fearful  of what people might
     say  to her and that she was fearful  of being judged harshly and when
     she told me that she didn't feel comfortable in crowds, I already knew
     the type of experience we  would find in her childhood.   I prayed for
     the Lord to take us to  where this all began and He did  and Carla was
     healed.  Was this just a small thing?  I explained to Carla that these
     things which seem  so frivolous and harmless often  are huge stumbling
     blocks  in our  lives and  especially  when the  experience becomes  a
     thematic, or repetitive, experience which  is built upon over and over
     again.
          I have little  doubt that nearly everyone  reading this testimony
     has had something already come to your  memory that is similar to what
     I have  just described.  Call me and let's pray about it so you can be
     set free.